May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize