Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
