so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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