I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
