I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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