I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
