cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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