My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
