after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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