why didn't you poke me back
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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