when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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