she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
