i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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