Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
