dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
