Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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