You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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