Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
