So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
