I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
