I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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