remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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