NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
