I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
