shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
