captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
