I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
