letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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