Please, let me fuck your mom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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