i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
