I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
