Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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