I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
