Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize