Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
