My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
