I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize