Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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