The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
