The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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