This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
