the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
babies were throwing up all over the place
high people should be assigned attendants
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
