I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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