Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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