My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
