Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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