i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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