Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
