Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
