This girl is more easily done than said...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
