your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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