I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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