girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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