I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
