Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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