Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
