I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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