It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize