so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
